


Single-Season Saves Record

by MeansToOffend (goodmorning)



Series: Hockey Rhyming Things [1]
Category: Hockey RPF
Genre: at least hockey is back, it's really bad poetry though, kinda mawkish, oilers bashing, they all are, this is poetry, why am i even posting this?, your team is definitely in this
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-19
Updated: 2016-10-19
Packaged: 2018-08-23 03:24:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 31
Words: 2,781
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8312173
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/goodmorning/pseuds/MeansToOffend
Summary: One of these poems is about your favorite NHL team.(I probably insulted them.)





	1. Toronto: That Strange Forgotten Feeling

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote most of these in about an hour this afternoon. Don't expect too much.

After the worst season in recent memory,  
Up is still not the only way you can go -  
Stagnation a creeping horror despite great change;  
The future of hockey comes now to Toronto.  
Obviously, regression is reasonably unlikely, but  
Nobody knows how much gain you'll show.

Maybe you gain a single place in the standings  
And fans start to throw jerseys again:  
That is, if they even show up in the first place,  
The last-place team first place in ticket prices -  
How do you still get people in the building?  
Even your wealthiest fans must be getting tired of it  
When you lose, let the press run your best out of town -  
Still, the first letter of each line can remind you what hope is.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I tried to be nicer about the teams whose fanbases I felt the most bad for.


	2. Colorado: How to Burst a Bubble You Agree With

When Roy can't have his way, he's raw, they say,   
He'll quit, leave, run away, so self-interested he won't stay,  
And maybe they're right, but this is the guy who refused to lay  
Down and die, gave Montreal the salute in that nine-goal game.

And yeah, you can argue that he's not the greatest coach,  
That with a statistical anomaly the Jack Adams he poached,  
And you can definitely say he didn't have the best approach.   
Nevertheless, this is a topic that we probably should broach:

He stayed through two straight seasons that were definitely shit,  
And he only sometimes made headlines for raging, yelling, fits -   
Recall in his goalie career it was at his peak he quit  
And think then of what could make him feel that it was time to split.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think we'll see some solid improvement from the Avs this year, but it's easier to be negative.


	3. Columbus: Sleight of Hand

Be careful what you do in such a superstitious sport;  
At any moment you may accidentally start a tradition.  
Even if you have the simplest, kindest of intentions,  
The fans will never let you forget it.  
So remember to hire the coaches no-one else wants,  
And hug your goalie after wins,  
Fire that cannon as many times as you can;  
Fight to keep the traditions  
Because they make you look more credible.  
(Maybe your fans won't notice how bad you are.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hate that fucking cannon so much.


	4. Anaheim: Topics of Conversation

Let's start with the original name,  
And all the Mickey Mouse bullshit thereby implied.  
Or maybe the logo that went with it,  
And the irony of it given the present goaltending situation.  
Or we can talk color change,  
From beautiful gaudy 90's color palette to dull league average.  
But the best topic is your name change -   
From Mighty to sitting.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I much preferred the garish 90s color palette.


	5. Vancouver: A Mistake of Biblical Proportions

And the team was without form, and void,  
And the GM said, "Let there be Lu!"  
And there was good goaltending,  
And Aquilini saw this, and said that it was A-O-K,  
And it was good.  
And the Sedins moved on the face of the ice,  
And Aquilini said, "Let there be playoffs!"  
And there were playoffs,  
And Aquilini saw this, and saw that there was cash,   
And it was very good.  
And they gave Lu back, and the Sedins aged,  
And Aquilini said again, "Let there be playoffs!"  
And there were not playoffs,  
And Aquilini saw this, and nixed the idea of a rebuild,  
And it was not good.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I assume most Vancouver fans are cheering for their team to suck so they can get their rebuild already.


	6. Carolina: Collecting for Dummies

When you go for it, you really go for it; this I can't deny.  
No, I don't mean the Cup (your decisions in goal make that obviously untrue).  
I mean siblings - Sutters and Staals, to name a few.  
When Vancouver finally shops the Sedins, I know who'll buy,  
Which leads me to this idea I think you need to try:  
Start collecting a family with a right winger or two,  
And maybe a young d-man. It's what you need to do.  
(While you're at it, you should also let Ward's starting career die.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you're going to collect a family, you should probably also make sure they don't suck.


	7. Detroit: End of an Era

I heard you lost a player; Dat's(yuk) a shame.  
What he could do with his hands made the game  
Far more exciting; everyone could see  
How much he meant to line, to team, to league.  
But now he's gone, with him will go your streak -   
Playoff spot twenty-six in vain you'll seek -   
Unless the Bruins once again implode,  
And Carey Price's ligaments explode,  
And miracles stay far from Toronto.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Can you tell I'm going to be really sad when several other legends retire?


	8. Los Angeles: No Doughty

Look, Kings, I don't like you.  
You've made everyone believe  
That Quick is still an elite  
After four years.  
And it's about time you gave Kopitar the respect he deserves -   
How shit does the rest of your team have to be  
That your leading scorer for years has been the most defensive-minded forward?  
And while we're on the subject,  
Stop legitimizing Dean Lombardi.  
Look at the hot mess of a Team USA he put together  
And tell me he hasn't just been lucky in L.A.  
Also, fuck Los Angeles more generally -   
Gross urban sprawl filled with water-wasting attention-seekers.  
I know that's not specifically your fault. It's just such a shit city,  
But back to the hockey -   
Would it have killed you to keep the purple?  
Or to help Mike Richards with his drug problem?  
Or to quietly murder Quick? Wait a minute...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The title is a pun I couldn't resist.


	9. Tampa Bay: Great Magician

Steve Yzerman is a wizard.  
You're obviously aware of this,  
And I don't think I need to belabor the point.  
So what if you'll have to lose Bishop?  
Vasilevskiy is almost ready,  
And the rest of the core is there  
And you've got a couple chances -   
And then a couple more,  
If the magic holds.  
I can't imagine that it won't.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What negativity can you even manage here? "Oh, but they'll hit the cap!" No they won't, he's LITERALLY A WIZARD.


	10. Calgary: This One is Barely Worth Reading

Now you're looking up:  
You've got Brian Elliott  
(One of last year's best),

A decent blue line,  
And the future of hockey -   
Johnny (B.) Goodreau.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Calgary should be more interesting than they actually are.


	11. Philadelphia: Keep Your Enemies Closer

Hey, when you're done making my eyes bleed  
With the whole ginger-on-orange thing  
(Is that an unwritten league rule or something?  
Are you required to hit red-haired carrying capacity?),  
Can we talk? No, it's not an emergency.  
I just wanted to let you know you're not alone.  
Plenty of people feel unfavorably compared  
With their nearest counterparts.  
It makes for intense rivalry, and sometimes hatred  
Bottled up until it explodes,  
All fun and games until someone loses an eye.

It must feel twice as good to beat them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm convinced the number of gingers in Philly is in some way suspicious.


	12. Pittsburgh: The Expansion Draft

You know Flower is going to waive his no-movement,  
At least when they ask him to, right? And they will  
Ask him to, because the cap is pressing,  
And Murray is your future, after all.  
But I'm not sure you can be the same, after.  
It's not losing a goalie,  
An anchor, a part of your core,  
Even a fan favorite.  
It's losing a friend.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not even a Pens fan and I find it sad. What the hell is Sidney "Routines are my life" Crosby going to do?


	13. Boston: Triple B

Big:  
So you've got Chara,  
And yeah, he's basically a tree,  
But who else on your roster is that huge?  
Now, if "big" is a euphemism for "slow" I can understand it,  
But I really don't think that's what you meant.  
Or maybe you're referring to the contract you gave Backes?  
And speaking of scary - 

Bad:  
For a given definition, I agree absolutely;  
Your team is physical, takes a lot of dumb penalties, or,  
To put it another way, they lack skill -  
Which is, in and of itself, another definition.  
Your best forwards don't even fit the tough mold -   
A pest and Saint Patrice the only two who don't murder  
But do score goals, winning from outside your philosophy.

Bruins:  
The Bruins way  
Is exactly as unsubtle as it claims to be:  
Take skilled players, make them play like thugs, and,  
When they underperform expectations,  
Trade them for a song and a fourth-line bum  
To a team who will use them as they were meant.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What a silly philosophy to have, the way the league is going.


	14. Chicago: Depth Death

Lock up your core,  
And take your bucket to the talent well.  
Trade expiring ELCs,  
And fill your bucket from the talent well.  
Make another run at the Cup,  
And dip your bucket in the talent well.  
Find yet another way to dodge the cap,  
And haul up an empty bucket.  
You can only go to the well so many times  
Before you drain it dry.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know everyone's been calling it the end for a while, but it's probably the end now.


	15. Ottawa: It Made Me Laugh, Anyway

A captain  
A Norris winner  
One of the faces of your team  
A leader  
A great puck-mover  
One of the best defensemen in the game  
Is the second-highest-paid defenseman on his team.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The only interesting thing about that team. Otherwise this was probably about how badly they're wasting Karlsson.


	16. Florida: A Love Letter

What other team matches youth and age so seamlessly,  
Whether Jagr and Barkov or Ekblad and Ekblad?  
What other team has shown as many comic personalities  
As Jagr, Lu, and that beautiful interview with the seashells?  
What other team manages to afford a tandem of goalies  
Who both totally don't suck?  
What other team embraced modernity so suddenly,  
New logo and analytics hires seemingly overnight?  
What other team got so good so fast  
That sportswriters are still adjusting to it?  
And what other team bought so many d-men at a discount  
Because they believe it can win, and win?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's embarrassing how much I love this team.


	17. Buffalo: Participation Trophy

I wasn't sure I could be bothered trying  
To write a poem about a team that was, frankly,  
Just kind of lame.  
Bad, but not bad enough for a lottery pick.  
Scandalous, but only the second-worst player of his name.  
Nice, but without quirks - grit or 'yes' or whatever.  
And you don't have a shitty fucking cannon, either.  
But there is something that sets you apart,  
Unique among all the bad teams:  
Sabres, you tried.  
You didn't lose a playoff spot shellacked by the Sens,  
Or to a regrettable goalie injury.  
You lost a playoff spot because you just weren't good enough.  
But even when you were out, you wouldn't go down without a fight,  
And the value of that is inestimable.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Initially I wasn't going to do all 30 teams and the Sabres were the biggest reason why.


	18. San Jose: A Question

So, San Jose Sharks - should I call you that,  
Or do you prefer San Jose, or just Sharks,  
Or maybe 'best team in California'?  
OK, I'll stop with the flattery, but still.  
What do I want to know? I have so many questions.  
Tell me all about your Old Guys Without Cups,  
Or how it feels to have made the Final last season.  
How exciting was it to break the playoff curse?  
And do you think the cat had anything to do with it?  
Will you make it again this year?  
Do you worry at all about your aging core?  
But if I could ask you only one thing,  
I know exactly what it would be:  
I really just want to talk about your beards.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> But I really want to talk about those beards though.


	19. Minnesota: Home Playoff Games Mean Huge Profits

So you have a coach at last,  
One good enough that Parise's decline  
Is fine; you'll still make the playoffs, and fast.  
And he'll bring you a series win  
Unless, in one round, you drop three  
And see a Game Seven.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really wonder about that Game 7 Curse.


	20. Montreal: Simple Economics

When Price falls, you will feel the need to buy  
As much crowd noise as you can, in hopes the fans  
Can in any way help you win (they can't) -   
But you will find, when prices fall, that suppliers  
Cheap out, refuse to supply the product you demand.  
Besides _that_ , you've already shifted the supply curve  
Much further left, with Weber for Subban  
And letting the front office keep their jobs.  
But I don't need to tell you   
How catastrophic a Price drop would be.  
You already know.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is also based on a bad pun I couldn't resist.


	21. Arizona: Prodigy

So you're rebuilding, in the stage when that  
Means taking on other teams' inadvisable contracts,  
The stage that - judged by prior iterations of the fact -   
Means in three to five years, you'll be absolutely stacked.  
Furthermore, the way you did it with a team that's broke  
Makes me think your 'kid' GM soon won't be anybody's joke.  
They say that any tiny seedling can become a mighty oak  
But it looks like he's already sent the others up in smoke.  
I mean, getting Crouse besides the phantom cap hit Bolland brought?  
Squeezing the Red Wings over Datsyuk for everything they'd got?  
(Plus inheriting Chris Pronger, by the former GM bought.)  
Man, this guy is pretty good - and this is only just the start.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Possibly I may be jealous of the youngest GM ever.


	22. Washington: Repetition

I really don't understand, at this point,  
How you can have a 50-goal scorer  
And one of the best passing centers in the game  
And a record-tying goalie -   
Who, by the way, won the Vezina -   
And so many other great players besides  
And still not make it past the second round.  
So what if it was the Penguins?   
You were still the favorite.  
Next time, try not to coast.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Backstrom has a decent singing voice.


	23. New Jersey: Schneider

So you've got Cory Schneider,  
One of the best goalies in the league.  
That rarest of all beasts in net -  
A guy who can steal games for you.  
But even the best goalie can't steal a game  
If nobody on his team can score.  
So you trade for Taylor Hall  
(And nice job fleecing the Oilers there, by the way).  
But Hall alone is not enough.  
With only one decent scorer on your team,  
The defense will cover him, smother him,  
And few on your team can keep up with him.  
And what will you be left with if he gets hurt?  
(Though you do have Henrique and Parenteau,  
So maybe there's hope.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Shame one of my favorite goalies is on such an awful offensive team.


	24. Dallas: Bennguin

So you've got Benn and Seguin,  
One of the best one-two punches in the league.  
That rarest of all beasts on the ice -  
Great chemistry, with a scoring touch.  
But even the best offense can't score enough  
If nobody on his team can play defense.  
So you have your tandem goalies  
(And haven't you noticed no-one rides tandem bikes anymore?).  
And Benn and Seguin alone are not enough.  
With only average goalies on your team,  
And a depleted blue line to boot,  
You can't keep up with all the goals against.  
And what will you be left with if Seguin gets hurt?  
(Though you do have Sharp and even Roussel,   
So maybe there's hope.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Shame one of the best offensive pairs is on a team full of sieves.


	25. Edmonton: You Don't Deserve a First Overall Ever Again (Fuck You, Oilers)

When the hockey world heard you'd traded Hall for Larsson,  
They were outraged.  
Your big plan to shore up your blue line  
Was to trade your highest scorer for a 2nd pair d-man?  
But I saw how wrecked Hall was by the trade, and thought:  
Good. He's still young, you won't permanently stunt his development.  
Plus, unlike you, the Devils get most of what they need: proven offense.

When the hockey world heard you'd traded Yakupov for anything at all,  
They were relieved.  
But Oilers fans said: "He said he was lonely?  
What a farce. He had his family, after all."  
But family's not really the same,  
And he's a guy who seems not-just-for-PR nice,  
So let's assume he's telling the truth:  
How badly must you have treated him  
That he still felt that way even though he wasn't "alone"?

When the hockey world heard you'd named McDavid captain,  
They were unsurprised,  
And responded with a boy band meme.  
But after I was done laughing, I thought:  
Everything was going to be 'his fault' regardless;  
I just hope he's as good as we think he is -   
Good enough to keep you from making him regress.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was weirdly cathartic.


	26. St. Louis: Grit, and Other Synonyms for Lack of Skill

So what if he hasn't scored more than 5 goals these past two seasons?  
He's a hitter, got real compete, knows how to win,  
And, goddammit, he cares about this team.  
Tarasenko? Eh. He can score goals, sure,   
But he's just some flash trigger-happy Russian  
Who doesn't appreciate the minutes he gets.  
No, our guy has leadership, and pride in the game,  
And enough grit and toughness to make our goalie cry.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 'Flashy European skaters' are some of the best things besides goalies.


	27. New York (Rangers): Proof of Concept

They talk like Lundqvist is old,  
But you and I know different.  
And as we sit around agreeing he's goaltending gold  
(Or at least silver, after Price, in bad memories of Sochi),  
You're so distracted with corrections,  
With defending your future strength in goal,  
That it slips your recollection  
That your forward core needs some serious help, Christ, what the fuck?  
Seriously, what do you think it means  
When your only forward fans of other teams  
Could name off the top of their heads  
Is sometime grinder Mats Zuccarello?  
Or maybe Jimmy Vesey, overbid for and freshly bought  
In a seller's market, a transaction that's not,  
Strictly speaking, a very intelligent move.  
Your team's good? I'd stick to Lundqvist's age -   
That point you can prove.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Also your defensemen are a bunch of pylons, but I felt like including that would be piling on.


	28. New York Islanders: I, For One, Welcome Your New Hipster Overlords

Buy a cheaper seat -   
You'll find out what they meant by  
'Partially obscured.'

Watch on the scoreboard  
Or on your mobile device -   
Everything is fine.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This whole story is the only sad thing funnier to me than the Ottawa thing.


	29. Nashville: Getting Noticed

After last season, I could feel your pain:  
Nobody thought my team had much chance either.  
But suddenly, you have Subban,  
And now you're everyone's trendy Cup pick  
(Other than Tampa, which - fair enough, I guess),  
Which has made you everyone's trendy crumble-under-pressure pick  
Even though you played 14 playoff games last season.  
Hey, at least you're not an afterthought.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Actually Nashville and Subban are basically perfect for each other so 10/10, NHL, I love it.


	30. Winnipeg: Afterthought

So you're an afterthought.  
So the only things people remember about you are:  
1\. It's where that big guy plays - oh, what's his name again? - Byfuglien, that's right... I wonder how you spell that?  
2\. Oh, that Trouba kid should know better than to ask Chevel-take-the-dayoff for a trade - man, remember how long it took for him to make the first one?  
Still, at least you lucked into Patrik Laine  
And nobody really remembers that you suck.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Winnipeg has literally nothing going for it. I feel a little bad about that.


	31. Las Vegas: PSA

For fuck's sake, just call yourselves the Aces anyway,  
Pretend you're only talking about pilots, it'll be fine.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 'Desert Knights' is going to suck.


End file.
